Saigon girls are crazy. Yeah, I know. That’s a very general blanket statement if there ever was one but whatever, so is “black guys have large cocks” and “Asian guys have small cocks” (both of which from my experience seems to be 100% accurate). So when I say “Saigon girls are crazy”, you have to believe me. You read it here online and everything you read on the Internet is true, kids [evil grin]. The proof is in the pudding:
Scenario 1: The Crazy Bitch
It was the first day of the Lunar New Year and I was drinking with Hien (which ironically means nice in Vietnamese) and her friends. She was introducing me to her friends as “Ong Xa” (Vietnamese for “husband”) just moments before her boyfriend from the States called her to wish her a happy new year. She’s told me about this guy before so I couldn’t really fault her for trying to play hide-the-boyfriend when he called her.
Obviously, the first thing she asked him was, “Where’s my Li Xi (red envelope with lucky money)?” When she heard that business was tight and he couldn’t afford to give her any at the moment, she replied with a, “Fuck you! If you don’t send me money, don’t fucking call me,” and hung up and proceeded to turn off her phone.
Even more ironic was that it was also Valentine’s Day. So the next thing I know, she turns to me and asks me for her “li xi”, all the while conveniently adding that due to events that just transpired, it better be a large and overcrowded envelope. With this red flag waving, you’d think I’d be running for the nearest exit and trying to get my ass out there as fast as possible but I was still new and naïve during this time and I obliged her by giving her a nice sized “li xi” envelope. She seemed pretty fucking happy. In addition, I promised I’d take her out partying that night because of the holiday.
That day, we drank from 10 in the morning til 7 in the evening and by then, everyone was just plastered. When it was time for everyone to leave, I had to carry her upstairs where I proceeded to fuck her silly… without an AC…with the fan blowing hard. Hardcore motherfucker I am. Afterwards, I was sweating like Elton John in a fisting contest.
So now I’m drenched and worn out, so I tell her I’m going home to shower and rest a little before we go out partying. I haven’t heard someone say “No” that fast since I asked Ashley Nguyen to prom. She wanted me to sleep next to her until we had to go.
I said “fuck this” and tried to sneak off but she caught me. She picked up her makeup mirror and threw it at me like a Nolan Ryan fastball. Luckily I was able to dodge it and ran downstairs as fast as I could. I found her keys and opened the padlock and got my bike out before I heard a stammering of footsteps coming down the stairs. She quickly grabbed the metal padlock and locked target to my spiky-haired head. I bobbed and weaved that motherfucker and watched it take a chunk off the wall before I got onto my bike and sped off home like I was Ricky Bobby.
When I arrived home, I found 25 missed calls and numerous text messages from Hien. The final one saying, “Wait there, I’m coming. You shouldn’t have fucked with me like that.”
Now, I admit, I’m scared of shit like rats and snakes, and the occasional occurrences of heights and monogamy but now, I can add “crazy, threatening bitches coming for my head” onto that list. After reading the text, I started the engine and raced off to who-knows-where. It was Tet, and I had only been in town for a couple months so I didn’t know that many people yet. The ones I did know were all out of town so that left me basically stranded on the empty streets of Saigon alone, drunk, and out of semen. I went to “sinh to” to sober up and hide from my terrorist. Luckily I was able to stay away from her for good. I was heartbroken. At the time, she was my unicorn.
Three Months Later
OK, so I lied. I ran into her three months later. We got to talking and I came over to her house and we played naked cowboys and Indians for two straight days without leaving. She cooked and cleaned for me and it was all good until I needed to rejoin the real world. Again, like déjà vu, she said “no” and the next thing I know I’m running off the reservation from this fucking cowgirl ready to shoot my Indian ass.
El Capitan
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