Partner and I arrive at the bus station and are immediately swarmed by Tuk-Tuk drivers barraging us with their offers to drive us around and be our guide for whatever vices we desired. In the distance a guy with a real genuine smile comes and greets partner with his real name. He was the Tuk-Tuk driver that partner had been in contact with the previous week. I felt elated, that there was someone there that we could somewhat trust, I felt at ease and we decided to go to our hotel. Driving around in a Tuk-Tuk was similar to my experience in Thailand. It was nice to sit back and survey the new land two American guys would hopefully conquer. I was quite surprised to see that Cambodia was very similar to Saigon, not the big glitzy streets of Dong Khoi or Nguyen Hue, but maybe the streets of Can Tho or Binh Thanh Disrict.
We got to the Lebiz Hotel, washed up and set out for some food, as we were very hungry sitting on a bus for the last six hours. We drove along the river and partner came across a familiar restaurant, Happy Pizza. I’ve heard the rumors before, but now I had a chance to make it a reality. Happy Pizza is merely pizza with weed sprinkled on top, apparently in Cambodia marijuana is illegal to smoke, but legal to be consumed as a food condiment. We proceeded to scarf down this 12 inch pizza, it was really tasty. Not Red Baron thick crust shit, but deliciously crispy thin crust pizza, with a faint hint of the green stuff. It was good, and my partner and I looked at each other puzzled. We could barely taste anything on the pizza, we ordered the happy pizza right? We were slightly disappointed and thought we had been taken, oh well.
We set out on a quest to find some cold beers to quench our thirst and really christen our experience in the new worlds. We found a bar to our liking, as we walked in 6 bald white fucks-tards turned around at their table to give us the glaze over, the look to make sure that we knew they were the big dicks in town. We sat down, ordered two Angkor draft beers and sat and chatted away about how we made it out of the black hole that is Saigon. Then all of a sudden things went slow, like really slow. (At this moment I just lit a joint to try to remember how slow it really was, good journalism?) I was convinced that if I listened closely to the Cambodian girls I could magically comprehend them saying that we were dirtbag losers from Vietnam . I was in shock and asked partner if he felt the same thing, to my relief he looked more stoned than I did. The world was spinning in Phnom Penh. In my state of inebriation I thought it was a solid decision to order another round of beer to clear my thoughts. It didn’t have the effect I was looking for, and it made me realize how beat up the girls at the bar were. Time to leave. Okay, we’re in it together and we’re gonna make it out alive. I made the executive decision that we should probably go home and take a nap and try to shake off this high for a bit.
When I woke hours later, I was still a bit high and washing my face repeatedly didn’t help either. We decided to take a tour of the city and its local bar/club scene. It was interesting, from what I could peace together it seemed like Vietnam years ago, when Saigon too was the Wild Wild East. Every bar was filled with real dirt bags, the kind of dirtbags you wouldn’t want to baby sit your kids. Imagine if Megan’s Law and “How to Catch a Predator” held a casting call at some preschool, that’s how it looked like. Each face I read told me they have been in Asia for the last 15 years trying to forget about the “bad times” back home. Utter scum. I was happy. I was happy to see the real shit going on in front of my eyes, real scum and ugly loose women. Sounds like every other action movie plot to me. To be fair we gotta talk about the women as well. Rough around the edges? No, more like jagged and gnarled around something that resembled a woman. They looked like true veterans, with badges of scars to reflect on the numerous tours they have endured. Not a big deal, they weren’t the prettiest but they sure charmed the shit stain customers in the joint. It was insane, I love watching weird off color movies, but I was really living in one at the moment. These women definitely required a case of beer and an eye patch to feel movement in the pants. I’m not here to pass judgment, just classic gonzo journalism. A class act shit hole place, and I loved it. Imagine a room full of degenerates and a huge keg of beer, it was great. Partner and I were in total disbelief, laughing up a storm about how if we could interviews from the patrons we could possibly turn this all into some twisted Hollywood blockbuster and make stupid money.
We move on to other locations in the city, one notable “hot spot” was Heart of Darkness. The venue was illuminated with red lights all over, with lots of working women all over the place. Coincidence? You be the judge. Upon walking in the establishment, I was getting eye fucked by everyone. That deep hard glare that can either entice you to whipping out that wallet or scare the shit out of you. I was scared so no thanks, I did a quick lap and noticed lots of gays doing their gay stuff on the dance stage. That was my cue to leave.
Interestingly enough, there weren’t many women in Phnom Penh with boob jobs. In Saigon every other decent looking girl in the city has a pair, and it has reaped rewards of peace and prosperity in the city. Cambodia’s counterpart lacked that detail, and I knew I could never reside her long term.
John
John
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