The Art of the Juggle

Since the dawn of time, man’s mission on this earth has been to successfully procreate.  From cavemen clubbing their prospective mates and dragging them to their sex caves all the way to Zack Morris and his locker room fantasies, males have steadily evolved to be always prepared when a sexual opportunity arises.  You can’t blame us; Mother Nature designed us this way.  Research shows that the area of sexual pursuit in a male brain is 2.5 times larger than in the female.  We are the metaphorical Wile E. Coyote and the girls are the Roadrunners.  Therefore, we weren’t conceived to be monogamous; that would be like flipping Mother Nature off. 

This is especially true when we focus specifically on the social dynamics happening in Saigon.  Vietnam is different from most developed countries because the female population here has evolved into something entirely unique.  To survive in Vietnam’s social economical climate, Saigon females have adapted, and employed their own natural treasure, the vagina, as a means to conquer the sex mongering male population dedicated to exploit them.  It isn’t uncommon for the girls (we’re only talking about the attractive ones you want to bang) that you meet here in Saigon to have multiple boyfriends.  Not because they want to pop out children like Pringles, but simply because each boyfriend can be extracted for increased income.  And the fact is that it’s effortless to bat their eyes and show some boob to attract the vacationing male - whose main purpose of visiting Vietnam was to spray semen on everyone and anything – makes it even more enticing since this helpless lad will be spending the majority of the time in another country while waiting in line at Western Union at the beginning of the month to send her allowance. 

So if that’s the case, why the fuck would it make sense for someone like me to be monogamous with a girl like that?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not arguing against love here.  If you find a nice sweet local girl who would never ever think of cheating on you, then by all means love her, marry her, make beautiful babies with her (preferably female, since, who knows I might still be doing what I’m doing in 18 years).  Trust me; I’ve seen with my very own eyes that love stories can happen in Vietnam.  But I’m not talking about these girls.  I don’t want anything to do with “nice/ugly” girls.  Shieeeeeeeeeeet, that’s just bad karma.  

Now that we know which girls we’re dealing with, let me repeat; why the fuck would it make sense for someone like me to be monogamous with a girl like that?  The thing is these non-nice girls want to have the proverbial cake and eat it too.  They want the financial support from the Viet-Kieus living abroad, but they also want what every girl truly desires, true romance.  So they’ll go out into the city and find someone like me who they think they can call “boyfriend”; someone they can take to the movies or parade around their friends.  Sometimes, they just want someone with a warm throbbing penis, instead of the blurry visuals they get on Skype.  So although she might be investing her feelings into me (I never told her to), why isn’t it acceptable for me to go find someone to support my own needs, which unlike hers isn’t monetary, but sexual?  Thus, I’ve used 500 words to explain why I must juggle girls despite the fact that no one is monogamous in this city.  Now comes the important part; the art of the juggle.   

Every guy has their own technique to juggling girls.  Especially in this household, I’ve seen many different methods and have even implemented some successful ones to my repertoire.  Since I’m not an expert on all of them, I can only explain to you which ones work for me.  I can’t guarantee success because each situation is different, but with enough trial and error, you can continue adding on bowling pins to your routine.  The most I’ve juggled is six.  I probably could have added more, but like everything else in life; too much of a good thing…

Let’s start with the simple step of managing two girls.  Looking from the outside, it may seem simple, but that may not always be the case.  Going back to the juggling analogy, you’d say it’s pretty easy to juggle two tennis balls, but what if you exchanged those two tennis balls with heavy duty chainsaws.  It doesn’t look as straightforward, does it?  The same thing can be said about girls.  If you find two easy-going party girls with low maintenance, you’re going to start believing your Chris Bliss.  On the other hand, if you’re dumb enough to try to mix two high maintenance buzz saws as your training course, then you might end up like this guy.

This analogy can be extended to three, four, five girls and so on.  So always keep in mind what type of girls you’re dealing with.  I’ve always tried to have only one “main” girl.  There was a time when I was naive enough to believe I was skilled enough to have two, but that ended the same way as Jennifer Connelly’s character in Requiem for a Dream.  With just one high maintenance girl, you can then start adding minor girls like a Beethoven harmony.

The next step is deciding what to tell each girl.  I’ve found that the simplest method is honesty.  This method seems deceptively simple and counter-intuitive, but it works for me. This obviously doesn’t work on everybody, so you’re going to have to be selective with whom to use it on.  Obviously, you should use it on the partners that are okay with open relationships.  Surprisingly, I’ve started just telling specific prospects that I’ve got multiple girls and they shouldn’t expect any real connection with me right from the beginning.  It’s all about the timing.  I give them this information when I’ve already hung out with them numerous times, but before we’ve consummated.  When you’re truly confident that she’s formed a solid emotional bond with you, then you announce to her your real motives.  At this point, she’s going to have to accept your proposal or risk losing you.  Like anywhere else in the world, hopeful females have the wild notion that they can change their man.  Using this method will help you expand your portfolio without putting in much maintenance. 

Basically I’ve just taught you how to add tennis balls to your juggling routine.  But to maintain it, you’re going to need concentration; not like driving a car but more like riding a bike on a tight rope across a lake of acid.  The more partners you have, the more time they’re going to require from you.  Booty calls are still a foreign concept for local girls here.  To sleep with them, you’re still obligated to take them on the customary movie or dinner date.  As a result, you must be able to manage your schedule well and distribute sufficient time to the girls or they’ll refuse your company.  Like any female, they may feel neglected without the proper pampering (or for my buddy John proper “management”).  Sometimes if you train your girls well enough, you don’t even have to constantly meet face to face.  With the current digital age, you can juggle some girls with just simple text messaging.  A new project of ours is a completely automated texting application with proper responses through key word recognition.

Occasionally, you’ll meet a nosy/jealous girl that’s going to require a little more effort.  Local girls here don’t believe in the notion of privacy.  They’ll going to want to check your phones or constantly call you to see where you are.  It is essential that you put these girls in check, or else they’re going to ruin the beautiful symphony you’re worked so hard for.  They will constantly hound you and annoy you, which will affect how you treat your other girls.  There are two approaches to handling a “gnat.”  You can lie, cheat, and manipulate your way through her constant barrages of interrogation, or you can use the traditional Vietnamese brute force method and put her in her place.  This isn’t my preferred approach, but you basically firmly tell her to stop acting childish by demeaning her and attacking her self-confidence.  Although this style will get you quicker results, it won’t earn you any compassion points.  I’d rather just use subterfuge even though it will prolong the whole process.  

Lying and manipulating the high maintenance girls can be a whole series of posts within itself, but I can give you a short rundown.  I’ve already mentioned that it’s a text-messaging world.  This works to your advantage because you can hide messages easier than those interrupting phone calls.  If a girl constantly tries to look at your phone, just get another phone.  It’s so simple in Vietnam to go out and buy a $10 phone and add pre-paid minutes.  Heck, it’s not uncommon for someone here to have two or even three phones.

At the same time, you can’t always be at her beckoned call, basically; don’t be her bitch.  Otherwise she’s going to expect you to answer all her phone calls and reply to her text messages like you were Ugly Betty.  And we both know that’s not going to be possible with your busy schedule, because you’re ALWAYS going to be busy here in Vietnam. Tell her you’re busy with work, with friends, with life.  You “love” her, but you need your own time to do your own thing and secure a good future for both of you, which I assume is just fucking her best friend.  Winning!

Another way I keep my juggling act smooth and uninterrupted is by not taking my “girls” to the clubs.  There’s truly only a handful of really popular clubs in Saigon so everyone knows everyone.  Think of it like Kevin Bacon’s six degrees of separation, but it’s more like two degrees here.  Believe me; if you don’t run into one of your girls or someone she knows, then you’re probably not going to the right clubs.  It’s not uncommon for me to have run-ins with three or more of my past girls.  Currently, there are these two girls who have recently become friends, going out together, talking about their mutual interests (me).  You shouldn’t be bothered by situations like these because it’s bound to happen in Vietnam.  For me, I laugh and think of some “championship belt” possibilities.

So there you go; these are my proven methods to juggling local Vietnamese girls.  But remember, each circumstance is different, so sometimes my technique will not work with you.  But try them and let me know. 

8000 Miles Later