Beauty From a Distance

Us guys here at 8000 Miles Later pride ourselves in our keen sense of assessing and quantifying physical beauty here in Vietnam. Deadly snipers with 20/20 vision for T&A, we are unrelenting to get that quick glimpse either on the streets of Saigon riding around on our motorbike or a quiet Sunday drinking coffee.  The truth of the matter is that both men and women admire a beautiful women with supple rack and a tight bottom.  My good friend The Mouse, has his old adage "I don't have any vices, I just love beautiful women, and last I heard EVERYONE loves a beautiful women."

But every so often us guys here are wrong with our assessment.  It could range from the 20/20/10 rule which is from 20 feet away at 20 MPH she looks like a ten. Or due to the fact of the poor lighting at clubs/bars in Vietnam. It's happened to us all before, and it feels awful.  Here are the tools of the trade that have indeed confused us even more at 8000 Miles Later. 

Nicknames (updated)

Vietnam has never been considered a creative country. It’s a copycat world here; streets lined with shops selling the same items, their names named after their business address like Pho 54 or nha hang 131. So when parents look to name their child, they don’t deviate too much from the norm. There’s no Sparrows, Shilohs, Kal-El, or Bronx Mowgli running around the streets of Saigon. Instead, there’s a pretty good chance the next girl you meet is going to be named Vi, Thuy, or Phuong. Hell, my uncle loved the name Phuong so much both his daughters were given that name.

So imagine a household of 5 guys pulling in girls and trying to exchange war stories. This would be a common exchange:

“I finally boned Vi last night.”

“Oh yeah? The fat one?”

“No, the one with the missing tooth.”

“Ohhhhhhh, that Vi.”

Instead of having to describe exactly which girl we’re talking about each time, usually, the girls are given nicknames so they can be identified easier. Since the nicknames are typically given during our initial meeting, the aliases are always used and we tend to forget their real names.

Keep in mind these pseudonyms aren’t well planned, but instead it’s whatever popped into our mind when we first met them. It could be as simple as what shirt they were wearing at the time, the place we first met them, or the job they held. Yes, some may sound harsh, but hey, it’s probably the best term to describe them at the moment. So with no further ado, here is a partial list of nicknames that we have”

Gaming and Dating a PR chick

If you're foreign to the Vietnamese clubbing scene, the first thing you're gonna notice is the lack of a dance floor.  Everybody sticks by their own tables, dancing only with their group, even if their group is a bunch of heterosexual guys.  Once in a while, you might make acquaintances with the table beside your's, kind of like when you're forced to make polite conversation with the passenger sitting next to you on a flight.

Dear El Capitan

It's another installment of "Dear El Capitan" where you readers email us with questions that only El Capitan can answer.  Remember to email us with any questions you may have for El Capitan

We Tranlate Our Own BS

My phone battery died – I turned my phone into airplane mode

I fell asleep early last night – I was out with a chick

I have to go on a business trip – I gotta meet my out of town bitch

I’ll buy your gift next week – You’re not getting a present

Honey I'm Going to Singapore.....

Whenever I hear that phrase it always raises suspicions about the true identity of my female friend. To any person not-in-the-know it sounds like a pleasant vacation, which it could be. But over the course of 20 months here in Vietnam,  I've heard numerous accounts from local verified-pros and close confidants the reasons behind "vacationing" in Singapore. Local sources and many news articles suggest that Vietnamese local women travel to Singapore to make quick money(1000USD-15000USD) because it requires no visa.

Our Loss Your Gain

A recurring story that is always talked about is a fable that we tell any new Viet-Kieu’s when they land on the green pastures of Saigon. Actually, it’s more like a cautionary tale of how things can get out of control if you’re not on top of your game.

Ask El Capitan

Welcome to my weekly post where I answer any of your questions.  Feel free to email me at 8000mileslater@gmail.com anything you want to know about living in Saigon, getting girls, or just being an asshole.

Lessons from El Capitan

I’ve been accused of a lot of things in my time but pleasant is rarely at the top of the list. I admit it; I’m rough around the edges. That came from being constantly shitted on when I used to be a nice guy back at home. I came to Vietnam in refuge of heartbreak (yes, I have one) and probably in search for the opportunity of another. Vietnam had its reputation for what a Viet Kieu guy like me could expect and I wanted to suck from that teat. I haven’t been blessed with the best looks, nor do I have a lot of money, humor, athleticism, or intelligence. One thing I have cunningly used to my advantage, though, has been my quick-witted mouth and persistence to juggernaut through women’s bullshit.

Even though most won’t admit it, girls just love jerks.  They love to be mistreated, misinformed, and mishandled.  I’m just providing them with that service.  I’m not trying to wife them.  There are a lot of fucked up girls here who get off when I treat them like shit.  I was the nice guy once and all it got me was a heavy ass ball-and-chain. Vietnam has been a stomping ground for me to start anew. Sure, there’s other things I could do with my time like get a job, find the meaning of life, or culture myself with film and books, but gaming chicks is a full-time gig. I have the phone bills to prove it. This was what I was put on this earth to do and my shortcomings haven’t held me back in the least. Fuck, I don’t even watch movies to watch movies anymore. My eyes are honing in on an inkling of a titty or the prospect of some bush, or my hands are on both those things because I’m trying to feel up on the girl that I’m on a movie date with. I’ve only been here for a year and some change, but I’ve already got some good stories to tell.  Here are two to get you started:

We translate your local girlfriend’s bullshit

My phone doesn’t work – Buy me an iPhone 4

I can’t call you – Buy me more phone minutes

My motorbike broke down – Buy me an SH

My dad is sick in the hospital – I need 3 million dong to shop

I got my purse snatched – I need a new purse, a new phone, and spending cash

I can’t go home – Can I come over and fuck

I think my house is haunted – I want to sleep in your bed

How Will I know...

I love this song. Ever since I was a kid, I just loved this song. Something about Whitney Houston being beautiful and being a great singer made this five year old Vietnamese boy in Oxnard California happy at the time. So, if you’re in Saigon, how will you know if she really digs you?

Going out in Vietnam can sometimes be a dangerous proposition. You could be having the time of your life then the next thing you know, a dirty skank hooker off a motorbike gives your balls the death grip and grabs your wallet along with your iPhone 4 (true story that happened to one of my new friends from Switzerland). You just never know. The absolute intensity here in Vietnam is incredible and, in mathematical terms, absolute value can mean really good or really bad. Yup, that’s life.

Having great times at regular bars can be a great experience. You can meet really fun and great people, and sometimes can make magic happen. It’s incredible. My buddy is fantastic at the bar scene in Vietnam. He’s a humble and modest guy and will never admit to being a woman-slayer but he has the best game at normal bars around Saigon like Martini bar, Q bar, Lush, and sometimes at Apocalypse. The bar scene is a great place to pick up fresh "poultry" and "beef." But just like Whitney Houston, how will you know? How do you know that she really loves you, and that she's just not some skank whore trying to nab at some cash at the end of the night? These are the level-one pros, transaction-only for sweet love making.

The Art of the Juggle

Since the dawn of time, man’s mission on this earth has been to successfully procreate.  From cavemen clubbing their prospective mates and dragging them to their sex caves all the way to Zack Morris and his locker room fantasies, males have steadily evolved to be always prepared when a sexual opportunity arises.  You can’t blame us; Mother Nature designed us this way.  Research shows that the area of sexual pursuit in a male brain is 2.5 times larger than in the female.  We are the metaphorical Wile E. Coyote and the girls are the Roadrunners.  Therefore, we weren’t conceived to be monogamous; that would be like flipping Mother Nature off. 

This is especially true when we focus specifically on the social dynamics happening in Saigon.  Vietnam is different from most developed countries because the female population here has evolved into something entirely unique.  To survive in Vietnam’s social economical climate, Saigon females have adapted, and employed their own natural treasure, the vagina, as a means to conquer the sex mongering male population dedicated to exploit them.  It isn’t uncommon for the girls (we’re only talking about the attractive ones you want to bang) that you meet here in Saigon to have multiple boyfriends.  Not because they want to pop out children like Pringles, but simply because each boyfriend can be extracted for increased income.  And the fact is that it’s effortless to bat their eyes and show some boob to attract the vacationing male - whose main purpose of visiting Vietnam was to spray semen on everyone and anything – makes it even more enticing since this helpless lad will be spending the majority of the time in another country while waiting in line at Western Union at the beginning of the month to send her allowance. 

So if that’s the case, why the fuck would it make sense for someone like me to be monogamous with a girl like that?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not arguing against love here.  If you find a nice sweet local girl who would never ever think of cheating on you, then by all means love her, marry her, make beautiful babies with her (preferably female, since, who knows I might still be doing what I’m doing in 18 years).  Trust me; I’ve seen with my very own eyes that love stories can happen in Vietnam.  But I’m not talking about these girls.  I don’t want anything to do with “nice/ugly” girls.  Shieeeeeeeeeeet, that’s just bad karma.  

Now that we know which girls we’re dealing with, let me repeat; why the fuck would it make sense for someone like me to be monogamous with a girl like that?  The thing is these non-nice girls want to have the proverbial cake and eat it too.  They want the financial support from the Viet-Kieus living abroad, but they also want what every girl truly desires, true romance.  So they’ll go out into the city and find someone like me who they think they can call “boyfriend”; someone they can take to the movies or parade around their friends.  Sometimes, they just want someone with a warm throbbing penis, instead of the blurry visuals they get on Skype.  So although she might be investing her feelings into me (I never told her to), why isn’t it acceptable for me to go find someone to support my own needs, which unlike hers isn’t monetary, but sexual?  Thus, I’ve used 500 words to explain why I must juggle girls despite the fact that no one is monogamous in this city.  Now comes the important part; the art of the juggle.   

Warning.....Caution....Beware......

At the time of this writing, your girlfriend and her little sister are hanging out in my buddy’s room.  The younger sister is fast asleep and the older one is watching a movie with three of us guys. We’re teasing her that she looks like one of our fat friends that you probably know from back home.  Oh, her phone just went off. She just texted you back, saying that she's at home watching TV with her sisters while you, my friend, are getting ready for an early day at work.  You’re working hard, grinding and earning that money that you promised her at the beginning of each month, while me and my band of thieves are putting some hours of our own...boning your chick.

It’s not personal, honestly. It really isn’t; it’s just that you’re away and we’re here.  We’re the guys back home that everyone likes and maybe you’ve met us and maybe you haven’t.  The time you met us you probably thought, "Wow, you’re a really cool guy.” We’re not out to get your girl. It just happened to work out that way.  There's no malicious intent whatsoever. It's just that your girl misses the feeling of having a man beside her, inside of her, whatever. Skype calls and broken Vietnamese emails can only go so far.

It's fair game, this love and war stuff. We met them at the club just like you did because as you know very well, only girls that are attractive enough to bone go out. We have more in common than you think. We liked your chick for the same reason you liked her too. If you, a vacationing Viet Kieu, can pull a girl, so can we. It's simply because we've lived here and we see the patterns and the ongoing games that happen before our eyes.

Here's a bit of caution: It’s no use calling to check up on her.  You’re just going to ignite another fight where she will shut you, and ultimately frustrate you.  You should be lucky I’m not like my buddy who likes to thrust even harder when she is on the phone with you.  Personally, I’m not really about that, but for some buddies of mine, they relish in it.  They actually live for that very moment. The times that you'll most likely call are before work, during lunch hour, or squeezed in during the 15 minute smoke break.  When you’re calling, we know.  The number comes up on your girl’s phone as a number starting with the “+” or with “0017XXX,” the latter being your Skype number.

Don’t give up all hope for love out here in Vietnam but don’t be naïve to think she is an angel.  If you really did love her you would have brought her over by now. But because you've been lagging, she's here with us. Granted, she probably doesn't love or care for us as much as she does you. But damn, she sure fakes it pretty well.  You ever try to get a notary done in Vietnam before? It’s hard.  Now imagine trying to prevent a grown person from doing what they want.  Infinitely harder.

We’re not the only ones.  There is a sea of us, literally a whole colony, spreading like a plague and we’re after chicks, someone's girlfriend or not.

P.S.  Keep sending the money. We’re partying on your dime.

Kind Regards,

8000 Miles Later Staff.

Dong for Dong

A recurring theme that I notice in some of my relationships with Vietnamese women and those of my friends is the “3 million Dong.” Let’s examine what one US dollar or 20500 dong will get you. It can get you two cups of condensed milk coffee, a delicious meat and egg sandwich, or a quick motorbike to the other side of the district.

The “3 million Dong” story is one of those stories that most guys that date locals will know all very well. It’s the classic ruse. Almost like the rabbit in the hat. Before things can get physical with your prospective love partner, she mentions one of these in passing :

My parent(s) are in the hospital and they are very ill.

I just had my purse stolen and my cell phone was inside of it.

Rent is due in a couple days and I don’t know what to do.

My computer was stolen from my room and I can’t go on Yahoo chat anymore.

My stomach hurts and I think I need an operation.

I just got in a motorbike accident and I ruined both bikes.

My Vespa or Honda SH is broken and I need to get it fixed.

I need to pay this months schooling bill.

(Their will be more added to this list)

The setup is always the same, and its in hope that you are the kind man to open up that wallet of yours and give her the amount that she absolutely needs which always happens to be exactly 3 million dong or 150 US dollars.

Two ways that you can deal with this situation, weasel your way out through great smooth talking and rebuttals like “Sure I’ll pay. Just take me to the location so I can pay it for you”, which most girls will generally never do. Or the second way is to power through that conversation by pretending not to hear anything and try to land yourself a deep sensual kiss to make her believe that true love will solve all problems. I’ve never heard the second one work, ever.

If you really like the girl give her the money and hopefully that will buy you some more time till the beginning of the next month. 150 US dollars can get you a lot of coffee, sandwiches, or motorbike taxi fare. It's all up to you, but remember nothing is ever guaranteed, especially in Vietnam.

John

But she's so nice though.......

That sweet girl that you met through a friend….well chances are that she isn’t as sweet as she seems. Nice, soft spoken, and with that country side girl look mean absolutely nothing. Not saying that she is a total level 4 Veteran but she most definitely is not that angel that she seems. No stranger to navigating around the dick whatsoever. Believe it. I’ve lived the stories; they sure do go to school or work at that great office job. What they aren’t telling you is that their juggling two dicks a week, and hungry for more. Let me make it more clear, hungry for more opportunities for either a better position at work or to get paid out a premium salary from a willing boyfriend.

So don’t think just because she works at the office or is a university student that the rules of the game don’t apply to her, these girls are resourceful and true capitalist. If you really step back and think about it they are very intelligent. They have realized their value in the hectic world of Saigon and have come to grips that they aren’t the 8,9, and 10’s that they see in the media. They have effectively removed themselves from the limelight meat market(clubs, bars, entertainment industry) and shifted towards markets where they can be successful! Sounds like some Warton MBA shit right? These girls are living it for real.

What’s a man to do in this situation? Play into them being sweet and nice, calling them out as a wolf in sheep's wool is just going to shoot you in the foot. Be kind to them and try not to think that after that movie date you two had she is getting plowed by some old fuck thats dropping more money than you. Don’t let your guard down and keep your head up for another day in battle. Recently I was caught in a situation of doubt. My good friend Hieu was the beacon of reality for me, he told me to snap out of it and realize it’s the same song but different verse. It seems like we’ve all lost hope for true love, you’re absolutely right. Now its all rock ‘n roll. I’m going all in.

John

The Professional Girlfriend Part 2

Now that you’ve been briefed on what makes up a professional girlfriend, the logical next step would be to categorize them just in case you happen to be a Saigon virgin traveling here looking for a “good time.” Being aware of which girls you’re going for will help save you from bleeding money and losing valuable vacation time.

The Professional Girlfriend Part 1

People come far and wide to experience this grown man’s adventure land; a culture underpinned by our proto needs of survival and replication. Everything is more or less driven by sex and money. The more you have of either, the better and more readily available your options manifest. To adapt, you need to welcome a paradigm shift.

There was a time where you heard about the Việt Kiều male parading his exploits from his recent trip to Vietnam. “They [Vietnamese girls] go crazy for you. All you have to do is flash your US passport”; the shit he spewed from his mouth usually fell within this subtext. But now, shit’s different. My perspective is different. There’s a subculture here that’s the backlash to the ways of yesteryear. The game has been reinvented. Women are pretty spectacular social creatures, and now more than ever, they’re showing it. Through mistakes made, hearts being broken, and expectations left unmet, they have been able to adapt and more crucially, benefit from the rules of the game. Enter, the professional girlfriend…