How Will I know...

I love this song. Ever since I was a kid, I just loved this song. Something about Whitney Houston being beautiful and being a great singer made this five year old Vietnamese boy in Oxnard California happy at the time. So, if you’re in Saigon, how will you know if she really digs you?

Going out in Vietnam can sometimes be a dangerous proposition. You could be having the time of your life then the next thing you know, a dirty skank hooker off a motorbike gives your balls the death grip and grabs your wallet along with your iPhone 4 (true story that happened to one of my new friends from Switzerland). You just never know. The absolute intensity here in Vietnam is incredible and, in mathematical terms, absolute value can mean really good or really bad. Yup, that’s life.

Having great times at regular bars can be a great experience. You can meet really fun and great people, and sometimes can make magic happen. It’s incredible. My buddy is fantastic at the bar scene in Vietnam. He’s a humble and modest guy and will never admit to being a woman-slayer but he has the best game at normal bars around Saigon like Martini bar, Q bar, Lush, and sometimes at Apocalypse. The bar scene is a great place to pick up fresh "poultry" and "beef." But just like Whitney Houston, how will you know? How do you know that she really loves you, and that she's just not some skank whore trying to nab at some cash at the end of the night? These are the level-one pros, transaction-only for sweet love making.


Let’s investigate:

One handed texting
These girls are incredible. They do one handed texting with a T9 phone underneath the table . With such precision, you would think they used to be blind and taught Braille at the university level.

Make-up
They generally have more make up on than the other women at the bar, probably to cover up how old and unattractive they are compared to the normal female clientele at this establishment. If she has that haggard look, do one of two things; take awe that guys find her attractive or look away like she is Medusa incarnate. Don’t blame her for looking haggard; at every crossing in her life men have probably offered her a healthy dose of penis. You would be upset too, right?

Outfit
The garment that separates their bargaining assets to the world, generally outfits will “show the goods” be it that fat apple bottom or giant rack that spills like Niagara Falls. Don’t be fooled with the spillage, a lot of it is illusion, so just negate one cup size from whatever you estimate. Overall outfits are somewhat trashy, and when I say trashy that’s a great thing! Love it.

Come by themselves or with one other friend
These girls are usually lone wolfs or at most one other cohort. Never figured out why, I just like to think that they are like my favorite lone superheroes Ironman or Captain America. When they get together they can take on the world! Thelma and Louise anybody? If they roll in pairs they generally are equally as trashy.
Baby sits one drink all night

You really thought these girls are at the establishment to get drunk and party their 30’s and 40’s away? Sorry bud. These girls purchase one drink, usually the least expensive drink on the menu, and baby sit it all night. They are trying to project the illusion that they are normal girls at the bar having an after work drink to loosen up.

Can converse in English
We’re not talking about deep perspective on Oscar Wilde or how morose Edgar Allen Poe is, but more like conversations that will help our Saigon debutante figure out if you are horny and willing to pay to release the demons. Look out for conversations that involve lots of flirting and constant compliments of how attractive you are.

You catch them signal other guys when you’re not looking
Just like successful investment bankers, these girls learned the art of diversification at their own Wharton School of Business on the streets of Saigon. Then again, one in the hand is worth two in the bush? Don’t be butt hurt, she needs to earn her keep too.

Multiple phones
If you decide to test your luck and abilities with your potential love partner, be weary if she exhibits all the aforementioned traits and gives you a phone starting with “01.” These are the promotional minute phone lines, which she uses to pull tricks like you.

So next time that girl at the bar seems to be giving you the vibe and you’ve been going into the bathroom every ten minutes to slap yourself in the face to tell yourself that your game is “on point,” she probably isn’t into you, unless you’re my buddy. Even at that, nothing is a sure bet. A good blanket statement is that these level-one pros just seem not to really fit in their environment, so if you got that gut feeling, she probably is working.

John