Dear El Capitan

It's another installment of "Dear El Capitan" where you readers email us with questions that only El Capitan can answer.  Remember to email us with any questions you may have for El Capitan

Dear El Capitan,
I've seen you in person.  How do you get girls looking like a troll and with no money/job?
Jason

First off, fuck you Jason, you fat piece of lard.  How'd you get such a sweet pretty girl to fall in love with your belly.  But to answer your question, its all in the game.  You gotta have confidence when dealing with girls, but you probably already knew that Rico Suave.  If these girls smell weakness, they're gonna eat you and your wallet alive.  In my case, they're go hungry if they do so, but I don't allow it.  I lie, cheat, and manipulate my way into their pants. The next thing you know, they're naked in bed next to me crying a tear of regret.

Dear El Capitan,
How do you cope with a broken heart in Saigon?
Sad in Saigon

Mr. Sad, you are fucking lame.  What the fuck is a broken heart?  How'd you let yourself get into this mess? Do as I do.  Be the heartbreaker, not the heartbroken.  But since you've already found yourself in this shitty mess, you MUST fuck yourself out of a broken heart.  You know what they say.  Semen is the best adhesive to repair anything broken.  Thus you must produce as much of it as you can, and spray it onto as many faces or tits as you can.

El Capitan