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The Art of the Juggle

Since the dawn of time, man’s mission on this earth has been to successfully procreate.  From cavemen clubbing their prospective mates and dragging them to their sex caves all the way to Zack Morris and his locker room fantasies, males have steadily evolved to be always prepared when a sexual opportunity arises.  You can’t blame us; Mother Nature designed us this way.  Research shows that the area of sexual pursuit in a male brain is 2.5 times larger than in the female.  We are the metaphorical Wile E. Coyote and the girls are the Roadrunners.  Therefore, we weren’t conceived to be monogamous; that would be like flipping Mother Nature off. 

This is especially true when we focus specifically on the social dynamics happening in Saigon.  Vietnam is different from most developed countries because the female population here has evolved into something entirely unique.  To survive in Vietnam’s social economical climate, Saigon females have adapted, and employed their own natural treasure, the vagina, as a means to conquer the sex mongering male population dedicated to exploit them.  It isn’t uncommon for the girls (we’re only talking about the attractive ones you want to bang) that you meet here in Saigon to have multiple boyfriends.  Not because they want to pop out children like Pringles, but simply because each boyfriend can be extracted for increased income.  And the fact is that it’s effortless to bat their eyes and show some boob to attract the vacationing male - whose main purpose of visiting Vietnam was to spray semen on everyone and anything – makes it even more enticing since this helpless lad will be spending the majority of the time in another country while waiting in line at Western Union at the beginning of the month to send her allowance. 

So if that’s the case, why the fuck would it make sense for someone like me to be monogamous with a girl like that?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not arguing against love here.  If you find a nice sweet local girl who would never ever think of cheating on you, then by all means love her, marry her, make beautiful babies with her (preferably female, since, who knows I might still be doing what I’m doing in 18 years).  Trust me; I’ve seen with my very own eyes that love stories can happen in Vietnam.  But I’m not talking about these girls.  I don’t want anything to do with “nice/ugly” girls.  Shieeeeeeeeeeet, that’s just bad karma.  

Now that we know which girls we’re dealing with, let me repeat; why the fuck would it make sense for someone like me to be monogamous with a girl like that?  The thing is these non-nice girls want to have the proverbial cake and eat it too.  They want the financial support from the Viet-Kieus living abroad, but they also want what every girl truly desires, true romance.  So they’ll go out into the city and find someone like me who they think they can call “boyfriend”; someone they can take to the movies or parade around their friends.  Sometimes, they just want someone with a warm throbbing penis, instead of the blurry visuals they get on Skype.  So although she might be investing her feelings into me (I never told her to), why isn’t it acceptable for me to go find someone to support my own needs, which unlike hers isn’t monetary, but sexual?  Thus, I’ve used 500 words to explain why I must juggle girls despite the fact that no one is monogamous in this city.  Now comes the important part; the art of the juggle.   

American Pickers in Vietnam

Our group of guys here at 8000 Miles Later have eclectic tastes and interests, something that spans further than just girls here in Vietnam.  We like to take pride in our hobbies, and do like the finer things in life.  Ranging from art, fashion, music, and massive rack, we’re as normal as normal can get. 

My interests back in the states has been picking, digging, and searching for things that I appreciate.  Some collections that I have back home include, 70-80’s BMX bicycles, Italian road bicycles, international militaria, vintage Levi’s, French/East German made Adidas, Jordans, vintage stereo equipment, reel to reel players, Japanese automobile racing equipment, Japanese cars, vintage toys, old advertisements.  Literally anything that I find interesting I will try to add to my collection of stuff.  I’m not saying that I have the most awesome collection, but its really the things that I like and enjoy.  I learned the joys of collecting through being poor, with the limited money I had as a child I found that the older and less flashy things that I could purchase were actually more valuable than what the kid next door had.   

My first purchase of things that were collectable was an “old” racing BMX bicycle I purchased from a neighborhood friend of mine named Kyle.  Sure I could have bought a new bicycle at the local shop, but I decided to take a chance on this one piece.  My intuition paid off, I was the cool kid on the block with a real racing bicycle.  15 years down the road, I found that my bicycle frame was a rare JMC Darrell Young, I sold that frame for 15 times the price I purchased it for.  Now the vintage BMX scene has grown for all those late 30’s and 40’s crowd, these are the guys that literally wet themselves reading BMX Plus! and dreamt of the bicycle I had.  It’s very common to hear of a vintage BMX bike range from 2000-6000 US dollars.  These were bicycles that ranged 150-600 USD when bought new.  Nothing can really put a price on nostalgia.  This doesn’t mean your bent and rusty BMX bike in your yard is worth something.  On the contrary, it’s very rare to find these treasures for an affordable price.  People that specialize in this craft are called “pickers.” Being a good picker is about knowing about what a potential piece and knowing the right price to pay for it. Its’ no good if you come across a Lou Gehrig rookie card and the guy selling it wants a gazillion dollars.

You know you're a local when...

#20 you wear black or dark colored dress pants, black or dark colored shoes, and white socks.

SP

You know you're a local when...

#19 you've used the phrase "same same" before.

SP

Top 5 People Watching Cafes in Saigon

One of the true pleasures of living in Saigon is escaping from the scorching heat inside of a coffee shop and spending the hours lounging around sipping on café sua da (Vietnamese ice coffee) while watching the different clientele proceed through their day. These coffee shops are staples of Vietnamese culture, true stomping grounds for the proverbial hunter and the hunted, and that is what makes them so much fun. There are thousands of coffee shops concentrated in such a compact area that it’s hard to figure out which cafes have the best show. Therefore we’d like to present to you our Top 5 choices.

Warning.....Caution....Beware......

At the time of this writing, your girlfriend and her little sister are hanging out in my buddy’s room.  The younger sister is fast asleep and the older one is watching a movie with three of us guys. We’re teasing her that she looks like one of our fat friends that you probably know from back home.  Oh, her phone just went off. She just texted you back, saying that she's at home watching TV with her sisters while you, my friend, are getting ready for an early day at work.  You’re working hard, grinding and earning that money that you promised her at the beginning of each month, while me and my band of thieves are putting some hours of our own...boning your chick.

It’s not personal, honestly. It really isn’t; it’s just that you’re away and we’re here.  We’re the guys back home that everyone likes and maybe you’ve met us and maybe you haven’t.  The time you met us you probably thought, "Wow, you’re a really cool guy.” We’re not out to get your girl. It just happened to work out that way.  There's no malicious intent whatsoever. It's just that your girl misses the feeling of having a man beside her, inside of her, whatever. Skype calls and broken Vietnamese emails can only go so far.

It's fair game, this love and war stuff. We met them at the club just like you did because as you know very well, only girls that are attractive enough to bone go out. We have more in common than you think. We liked your chick for the same reason you liked her too. If you, a vacationing Viet Kieu, can pull a girl, so can we. It's simply because we've lived here and we see the patterns and the ongoing games that happen before our eyes.

Here's a bit of caution: It’s no use calling to check up on her.  You’re just going to ignite another fight where she will shut you, and ultimately frustrate you.  You should be lucky I’m not like my buddy who likes to thrust even harder when she is on the phone with you.  Personally, I’m not really about that, but for some buddies of mine, they relish in it.  They actually live for that very moment. The times that you'll most likely call are before work, during lunch hour, or squeezed in during the 15 minute smoke break.  When you’re calling, we know.  The number comes up on your girl’s phone as a number starting with the “+” or with “0017XXX,” the latter being your Skype number.

Don’t give up all hope for love out here in Vietnam but don’t be naïve to think she is an angel.  If you really did love her you would have brought her over by now. But because you've been lagging, she's here with us. Granted, she probably doesn't love or care for us as much as she does you. But damn, she sure fakes it pretty well.  You ever try to get a notary done in Vietnam before? It’s hard.  Now imagine trying to prevent a grown person from doing what they want.  Infinitely harder.

We’re not the only ones.  There is a sea of us, literally a whole colony, spreading like a plague and we’re after chicks, someone's girlfriend or not.

P.S.  Keep sending the money. We’re partying on your dime.

Kind Regards,

8000 Miles Later Staff.